Random observations . . .Back to Stupid Stuff

Just a question of standards . . .

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...?

The US standard railroad gauge is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.   Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.   And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.

These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.   The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.   The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains.   The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.   The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important ??

Dear Diary

Aug. 12   Moved to our new home in Connecticut.   It is so beautiful here.   The mountians are so majestic.   I can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.

Oct. 14   Connecticut is the most beautiful place on earth.   The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange.   Went for a ride through the beautiful mountians and saw some deer.   They are so graceful.   Certianly they are the most wonderful animal on earth.   This must be paradise.   I love it here.

Nov. 11   Deer season will start soon.   I can't imagine any one wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature.   Hope it will snow soon.   I love it so much here.

Dec. 2   It snowed last night.   I woke to find everything blanketed with white.   It looks like a postcard.   We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway.   We had a snowball fight ( I won ), and when the plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again.   What a beautiful place.   I love connecticut.

Dec. 12   More snow last night.   I love it.   The snow plow did his trick again to the driveway.   I love it here.

Dec. 19   More snow last night.   Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work.   I'm exhausted from shoveling.   Fucking snow plow.

Dec. 22   More of that white shit fell last night.   I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling.   I think the snow plow hides up around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway.   Asshole.

Dec. 25   Merry fucking christmas.   More friggin snow.   If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow plow, I swear I'll kill the bastard.   I don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27   More white shit last night.   Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after the snow plow goes through every time.   Can't go anywhere, cars stuck in a mountian of white shit.   The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight.

Dec. 28   The fucking weatherman was wrong.   We got 24" of that white shit this time.   At this rate it wont melt before the summer.   The snow plow got stuck up the street and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel.   After I explained how I had broken 6 shovels already shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4   Finally got out of the house today.   Went to the store to get food and on the way home a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it.   Did about $3,000 damage to the car.   Those fucking beasts should be killed.   I wish the hunters had killed them all last november.

May 3   Took the car to the garage in town.   Would you believe the thing is rusting out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10   Moved to Georgia.   I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God-forsaken state of Connecticut.

Smart Doctors

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians, Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Aviation

It is possible to make a small fortune in the aviation industry...

If you have a large fortune to start with.


A propeller is really just a large fan that keeps the pilot cool.

Don't believe it?   Watch him sweat if it stops turning...


A wise pilot once said "The only time an airplane can have too much fuel is if it's on fire."


There are old pilots.

There are bold pilots.

But there are no old, bold pilots.

Financial Terms:

(These terms have been updated to fit today's times...)

CEO: chief embezzlement officer.

CFO: corporate fraud officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST! -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a mental hospital.

PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.

The year's best [actual] headlines of 2002:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

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